With Friends like this...

Gotta get something off my chest. I sometimes wonder how I get enmeshed with certain people.
 
When BD1 attended kindergarten, I met a woman who had a son in kindergarten also. Her son attended the morning class and my daughter attended the afternoon class, so we saw each other and spoke briefly.  We began either having coffee together, or having our children play together and we'd talk, shop, or whatever; thus the "bloom" of a new friendship.
 
Our kidlets survived first grade, and my friendship grew with Ms. Texas.  Our families began to socialize together, going to events such as a Halloween "trick-or-treat" event at the local race track.  We had them and a few other couples at our home for a dinner on this past Valentine's Day, and had a great time.
 
Ms. Texas began to complain bitterly about her husband, calling him names, saying she wanted to leave, but didn't know how to start the process.  They are both recovering alcoholics and have been sober for about 20 years.  They've been married about 12 years.
 
Her children, now ages 9 and 7, the oldest a daughter, have both been diagnosed with ADHD or ADD.  They seem to be pretty mild as far as the stages of ADHD I've seen, but they do have their moments. The 9 year old, used to constantly ask to play with my BD1, and they played together a lot, sometimes at our home and sometimes at theirs. I felt they had a better time at their house, since they not only had a huge back yard, but a pool, a climbing structure, lots of room to run outside and play. All we have pretty much is video games, board games, and the neighborhood park, plus a few dolls.  Little Brother does not like anything but the video games, and all he wants to do when they come over is play these.
 
She had a few issues, too. She said she wasn't prejudiced, but hated hearing any Spanish. I teased her often about my not being able to speak Spanish around her lest her anger rise.  She also is a neat freak.  Now if you have been to my house, you know that I am not.  My husband would have a few things to say about the depths of my un-neatness.  But I'll not let him here. He can write his own blog.
 
I have listened to Ms. Texas complain about nearly everyone of her friends and family members.  This one doesn't pay her, that one is self-centered, the other one calls her and insults her, her son is fat, her daughter is uncontrollable and hard to live with, her husband is fat, stupid, yada yada. I wondered when my turn would come.
 
A few months ago, we joined their poker parties one Saturday of each month.  One particular Saturday, Ms. Texas could not join us as she had a camp-training weekend for her Girl Scouts troop, and she asked me to please "play hostess."  So, I did. One other lady at the party offered to help make the salad, and I gladly accepted the help. Then I found out she wasn't really able to cut a tomato.  So, I said, "may I show you how to do it quicker?" She handed over the tomato and I chopped it  up.  She said, "put me to shame" and walked away.  I thought about my action and realized it may have not been a terrific thing to do, and said so to her later in the evening. It was something to the effect of, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad about the tomato" and she pooh-poohed me, indicating to me that it wasn't a big deal. I specifically remember doing this.  I also remember making jokes that night about having to get in all the Spanish I could, because when Ms. Texas was back, I wouldn't be allowed to do that anymore.
 
Jokes. They somehow get me into trouble.  My turn was sooner to come than I thought:
 
Ms. Texas had asked me to help plan her daughter's birthday party. It was to be a campout, complete with tents in the back yard, toasted marshmallows, s'mores, games, stories, swimming, the whole 9 yards.  I gladly volunteered and looked forward to helping plan the party.
 
As the date of the party came closer, I noticed a distinct change in the way she spoke to me. Her attitude was much cooler toward me.  I asked her what she wanted me to do for the party, and she said that she had everything covered, and two ladies from her new church offered to help her.  I said, what about the cake? Did she have someone to make it? She mentioned someone from her church had said that she would make it. I asked about what I could contribute, and she said something along the lines of, "well, I needed someone who could do things my way and quickly."  I said ok, whatever.  She had asked BD1 and BD2 to come swimming while she got some preparations ready for the party, and I said, "Great! I'll help you!"  She said she'd rather do the stuff herself (would not even allow me to fill goodie bags.)  I realized I was there as the babysitter.  Ok, I thought to myself, at least I'm helping this way. But her tone was curt with me, and I felt hurt. Curt hurts. (oh, I'm so clever)
 
She had very graciously made my husband's life very easy while BD1 and I visited my good friend in Norway. She had made dinners for him, watched BD2 more than was originally expected, and DH and I planned on giving her some money for doing so much. She and I had on previous occasions discussed it, and it was my thought that she wanted me to trade with her when she & her dh went on an anniversary weekend to Las Vegas this coming November. I said, that'd be fine with me. After I returned from Norway, she asked me if we had agreed on $40. I didn't remember, but she reminded me that she had said she'd rather have some money to help her pay for her gym membership. I said, fine, whatever. I appreciated what she did for us, and dh and I had already decided to give her something for all her trouble ($100).
 
When I took the money to her, I asked her if everything was alright between us, and she said, "Fine, why?" I indicated to her that I had noticed a difference in her attitude toward me.  She denied anything different. I said, ok, as long as we are ok.
 
She phoned me two days later.  Boy oh boy, was everything NOT ok. She yelled at me for nearly 40 minutes (I would have hung up but it became somewhat entertaining to hear her complaints about me).  I had insulted her, been harsh to her children, offended her friends, gave other of her friends dirty looks, made too many Spanish jokes, made too many organizational jokes toward her, messed up her pantry (which one other guest and I did together, as a harmless practical joke--we put vertical about 10 of her horizontally organized canned foods), I had accused her of trying to kill my father with brownies, I was ungrateful and rude after she had gone overboard to make my dh's week without me as easy as possible, I was a spineless mother who goes too easy on my children, and I guess I am just an overall terrible person.  I tried to respond to these accusations, but it was to no avail. She said she had strong doubts, due to the above as well as our religious and political differences, that our relationship could survive. 
 
This flabbergasted me. I truly had no idea she was so angry at me. The only Spanish joke I can remember is the one I mentioned above. The brownies was a complete joke. In fact, I had expressed my great appreciation to her for both visiting my father while I was gone.  I apologized to her about hurting her friend at the poker party, and offered to phone her friend and apologize again, if Ms. Texas would give me Ms. Hurt's phone number. The statement about speaking Spanish in her home was again, a J.O.K.E.
 
So, now it's been a week, and at first I kind of smirked about it. Another good friend of mine and I talked about it that afternoon, and had a few good laughs about it. Plus now, this outrage at me has given us fodder for new jokes.  You see, my friend (who has been my friend for 32 years), is a Mexican, who owns two very successful business, and speaks less Spanish than I do.  Additionally, I remembered an ex-coworker teaching me the adage: "F**k'em if they can't take a joke." (We also said, "Joke'm if they can't take a f**k.")
 
But it keeps entering my mind. I wonder how many others I have inadvertently offended. I wonder what I might have said or exactly what was on my mind when I gave those perceived dirty looks.  Who else have I given dirty looks without knowing it?  I don't agree that I'm a bad person. I realize that my belief system may not be right for everyone, but Ms. Texas is the Super Christian, always talking about her love for the Lord, yet she was not willing to forgive me for my innocuous remarks or my slipups of manners? 
 
I'm hoping that anyone reading this whom I've offended will forgive me. I sometimes am fairly inept in verbal communications, but I write pretty well (I think).  Perhaps I ought to stick to the computer and not talk in person or on the phone anymore.  In writing, I have a chance to edit. When my mouth is open, I don't.  I try to think about what I'll say to a person, but I guess often it hasn't been just the right thing. So I'm apologizing, here, publicly, in hopes that I will be forgiven by someone who I may have hurt.
 
I started this 3-1/2 hours ago, and now it's nearly tomorrow, so I'm going to bed.