Just got off the phone with Poppy's therapist. He mentioned that my father has no will to live anymore. Poppy doesn't understand why "they" haven't taken him yet.
 
He misses Mom so much. It's been a little more than a year since Mom died. They were together 46 years. We buried her on their 46th anniversary, and her funeral was on Mother's Day.
 
My thoughts are so scrambled. I am also concerned about Poppy. He tells me that he is no longer interested in living. He is in pain; he cannot walk; his only pleasure is food, and he's diabetic, so is restricted to a diabetic diet. He loves the ocean and the beach, but his wheelchair is not compatible with the sand. I am his only child (poor him), and I have 2 of my own that have immediate needs. He is lonely, and if I don't visit him or take him somewhere, no one else does either. Once in awhile, someone from my mother's family will phone him, and even more rarely someone will visit. (This brings to my mind a whole suitcase of other baggage that I will not go into right now.) He loves conversation, but through several TIAs (small strokes), he has lost some of his speaking abilities. He can't get the words right, and his substitutions don't always make his stories any more clear.
 
My efforts to help him are thwarted by the needs of my daughters, my husband, my house, and yes, even my own foibles. For instance, this morning I need to get him to a doctor. I have made babysitting arrangements and that's really not a huge challenge. However, last week I pulled a muscle in my back while putting his wheelchair in my car, and the pain has only worsened since. Yesterday I could barely move. The pain is fairly strong, and it's one of a very few times I resorted to stronger pain meds than ibuprofen. Today, the pain is not much better, but a little. Now I have to put Poppy's wheelchair in my car for his doctor's appointment, help him into the car and out, in and out of his chair, and wheel him into and out of the doc's office. Poppy has graciously said he'd bring the walker, and I appreciate that very much, but now that means that it will take us approximately an hour longer than it does with the wheel chair because he must walk so slowly. Then there is the issue of lunch.
 
The appointment is near his lunchtime, so additionally I take him to lunch. That usually means at least an hour, because he has some dental problems and has to eat very slowly. If my girls are with me, while they behave for a long while, of course they get restless and want to do something else. Plus, the money is becoming an issue. His income pays for about half his rent, and his savings pays for the rest of the rent, and his medications. We pay for just about everything else (sorry, dh, but it is what it is, as you have said). That means that about $300/month goes to Poppy's expenses. We really don't have the kind of income needed to support these expenses, but so far we are managing.
 
But I digress. I am concerned for Poppy, and his lack of desire to live. I sometimes wish "they" would take him, as he would no longer be in misery, and would have his "reward" for his good, generous life. Now, don't go preaching on me, but I often think that if there is a loving god, wouldn't this god take this faithful servant and give him some peace? Give him back his speech, let him get well enough to walk a little more, get some of his so-called friends at his church to visit with him, encourage him, associate with him so he won't be so lonely?
 
Well, now that I've had my brain dump, I must get BD2 dressed, pick up BD1 from her class, take them both to the sitter's--that reminds me I need to pack their swimsuits--then go get Poppy, do the doc's and lunch, then take Pop back and perhaps drive 35 miles north so that BD1 and 2 can play with their much-loved friend Kaitlin.