Hullo, friends.

It's been a tough emotional week for many of my friends and me, losing one of the better people in this world. With that said, I'm linking to the blog of Karine's and my mutual friend, Gemmak, who is arranging for flowers to be sent to Karine's funeral.

We ask that if you'd like to contribute to the Bloggers Memorial for Karine, please contact Jane directly. She has paypal, and it won't be too difficult to send American currency to Jane this way.

Here is the url for her online journal announcement and request for donations: gemmak

Also, please do not feel obligated in anyway. You might be contributing to some other form of memorial to Karine, and two may be asking too much from you. We thank you for your kindness.

Charmaine and Jane

"a most horrible thing has happened."

Those were the words I heard as I phoned Norway to get an address for sending flowers to the Nordic Goddess, and to find out if I could get a phone number to call her.

I awakened her hubby, who had I guess only just got to sleep after being told that our Goddess had left us. The hospice phoned him at 2:am Norwegian time Friday morning to let him know that my dear, dear friend, confidant, most gracious woman I think I have ever known, had died.

With shoulder shaking sobs, I only managed to get out the words, "I'm sorry; I'm so, so, sorry."

Indicating I would phone him in a few days, I hung up the phone and nearly collapsed, my crying came from such a deep place in my heart. Grief has never quite taken me over like this. My body wanted to stop functioning.

She had been in hospice for not quite three weeks due to digestive complications. During the last week, she had been intubated for nourishment, and had been fitted with a morphine pump to control her pain. My hope is that she was asleep when she passed from the only life we know.

Since this blog is about me, I will self-centeredly write my reaction. I can only hope it is somewhat cathartic. My heart feels as if it weighs as much as an anvil. I can hardly walk. I spent a sleepless Thursday night, finally getting out of bed at around 5:30 am Friday with the worst migraine I have had in many, many years. The weight spread to my belly, and I cried even more. I could barely move all day long.

My very dear husband luckily (or not) had the day off from work since it was Good Friday (nothing good about it in my book). He took care of everything around our home all day because I was virtually unable to move except to read emails and make the written announcement to my other virtual sisters, the December Moms.

We expected company that night (last night) and I wanted to call everything off, but I knew my daughters looked forward to having friends over and watching the newest movie together. I could hardly give my guests any attention, I was so distracted. I often snuck into the pc room to quickly check my email to read responses, share feelings, grieve with my other sisters.

This morning, I groggily joined my first-person friend and her daughter, along with two Girl Scouts in visiting the Music Museum. It was enjoyable, and the girls had a great time talking about boys, boyfriends, "losers," "stupid" people, other important teenage issues. It was nice to have this kind of distraction for awhile.

Often, though, I saw things that brought me back to my reality. I thought of how I would never see my good friend again. How selfish of me it was to feel this way. How much worse it is for her eight-year old son and her husband, losing the most important woman in their lives.

I cannot believe she is gone. I am so deeply sad, as well as bitter that with so many evil people in this earth who actually deserve to get a disease as horrible as this, one who was good and embracing to everyone she met was the one to get it and leave us.

Don't even try to tell me she "was a flower in the garden of God, and he wanted the best flowers for his dinner table." That little statement stuck with me (not in a good way) when a minister made it at a funeral of a 19-year old motorbiker. His bike had wrapped itself around a light pole sending him flying in the air to land on his head and die. What bullshit that minister's statement was to me.

I have no idea when the Goddess' funeral/memorial service will be, or if there will be one. I want so much to do something to honor her life, her memory. I want to do something for Kidlet so that he knows at least partially how much his mother was loved and respected, and how deeply she affected the lives she touched. I'd like him to know that around the world, there are at least 65 mothers who love him very much, and that he can turn to anytime he might want some motherly advice, and that not one of us would even think of attempting to replace her. Right this moment, these noble ideas seem empty.

Calling her a Goddess now seems tantamount to worship. I know, she wasn't a real goddess, but if the Greeks or the Romans had met her, I'm sure they would have deified her.

I've written about the "Five G's" and how I wish to instill them into my daughters' beings, and that the Nordic Goddess embodied them. She did, she really did, and I have often used her as an example to my oldest daughter. I can only hope that my daughter remembers how gracious, good, gentle, generous, and grateful the Goddess was and live by these values herself.

To her husband, I hope and wish for the courage to carry on and keep her spirit alive within his heart, and help his son get through this grevious tragedy. To her son, I hope and wish for courage and wisdom, as well as strength to grow up into a young man that would fill his mother with pride.

She glowed with pride everytime she looked at him. Pride and love. Everytime she mentioned him in conversation, it was with deep happiness and great love. I think he knows this; I hope her friends, family and her husband can help him to absorb this love and keep her alive in his heart through all of his good memories of her.

In conclusion, I want to link to a couple of other web logs that I know have paid tribute to her. These logs state so eloquently what I feel.

verbatim

gemmak

and one more, the last entry to my very dear friend's log: graybar

Good bye, my sweet friend. Perhaps you were just too good for this earth.

Now I’m Running Away!

Well, sort of, anyway. We are going to Arizona for the weekend and will return late Sunday night. We are taking Scott’s cousin Nancy with us to visit our other cousin Barbara in Phoenix. I’m looking forward to getting away for a night, anyway.

My email is totally hosed. I was convinced to sign on to “GMail” and it attacked and ate my Eudora email, so for the present, please direct any correspondence to me at mankeyfour@yahoo.com.

I am awake far too late since my dear husband wants to leave at 5:30 am so we get to Phoenix at a reasonable time tomorrow afternoon. It is raining; I’ve finally got most of the house to look as if it hasn’t already been broken into. (I have the fear of the police or fire dept having to come into the house while we’re away, and not being able to tell whether it’s been ransacked or not because I’ve left it so messy.)

So, I’ll be going to bed now and throwing a few outfits into the bag very early in the morning.

I’ll be back early next week.

Elder Parent Scares Daughter—News at 11

We had a scare with my father this morning. He left his residence with his big red walker and said he was going to Church. That wouldn't have been so unusual if he were Catholic, was going to early mass, and there was a Catholic church within walking distance. However, his church doesn't meet on Fridays, and he left at 6:30 in the morning!!!

So, about 5 of us went driving around the neighborhood, and one of the caregivers finally found him. He had walked about a mile, which is way, way too far for an 82-year old man with diabetes and neuropathy in his feet, plus gout to walk.

All I could imagine was him getting mugged and left for dying in an alley somewhere.

When I saw him giggling with the caregiver who found him, I wasn't relieved; I was angry. He loved the attention; he relished the idea that so many people were out looking for him.

I won't tell you my response to him when he entered the residence.

A few things concerned me:

First, that he was allowed to go anywhere at 6:30 in the morning on a Friday, when supposedly the caregivers know his church's schedule.

Second, that the caregiver on duty didn't tell her supervisor that he was gone until 8:15.

Third, that no one called me until 8:30 am; I feel the caregiver at 6:30 ought to have called me immediately to confirm he was supposed to go to church, or at leats confirmed with Dad that he knew that it wasn't Sunday! ()*&#!(*&()*#^)(*&&#$!!!!!

Hallelujah!!

What a perfect week this has been! And since it’s Thursday, I’d better write about it before it gets ruined. (What an optimist I am, eh?)

Things that have happened in my house:

Sarah has helped around the house;
Sarah set the dinner table,
Emily and Sarah did what we asked by the second request instead of the fifth;
Sarah made my breakfast this morning!!
Not one fight for 4 days between the girls!
The girls played together with each other instead of against each other.

What an amazing week!

What’s on Your Wish List?

This isn't an original thought, but one that makes me ponder (and go, "hmm...") I read about doing this in either Family Circle or Woman's Day magazine.

The question is what is on your wish list. Not your list for Christmas, birthdays, or anniversaries, but on your list of things you want to do in your lifetime. This list would include the Big Things that you've dreamed about doing.

I'm greatly interested in what your dreams/wishes are. Do you aspire to climb K2 in the Urals? Sky dive? Write the next best American Novel, even if you're not American?

The article I read mentioned that it would be something to seriously think about. As it was in February's issue, plus I read it several times to let the concept sink into my feeble brain, I have thought quite a lot about it. I had to dig deep into some of the crevices in the banks of my memory river, since so many day to day events have gotten in my way.

Awhile ago, a voice-over coach gave us the assignment to find an ad that represented our passion. I looked through probably 15 magazines to find something that really excited me, and I found nothing. At that time, I felt that my passions had been verbally beaten out of me, or just left me due to neglect. I ended up using an ad for women's underwear just because I couldn't find anything that symbolized passion for me. The only thing I have since been able to think of that would get me excited was flying and airplanes. I do love airplanes, and the noise alone is enough to get me to fantasize wildly about where I could go if I could fly.

Here's my list:

Pilot an airplane
Go on Safari in Tanzania
Spend a month in Tahiti--or traveling around in that area
Make a difference to a charity
be in a position to fly somewhere to help someone/country in need
get my master's degree
get my bachelor's degree (I get to check off one!)
Own a small bake shop
Own a small restaurant (either Mama Julia's or My Father's Place)
Skydive on my 80th b'day (heck, I'll be dead soon anyway, right?), and yes,
Write a novel.

That really is my short list. Other things in my head are more selfish so I won't continue.

So, what's on your wish list? I welcome your thoughts!

I've lifted again...(from Karen W.)

What States Have You Been In?

Bold the states you’ve visited, underline the states you’ve lived in, and italicize the state you’re currently in. (I am apparently unable to underline, so the states where I've lived will be in blue. I have not lived in Connecticut, Massachusetts or New Hampshire, though I think they are beautiful places.)

Alabama/Alaska/Arizona/Arkansas/California/Colorado/Connecticut/Delaware/Florida/Georgia /Hawaii/Idaho/Illinois/Indiana/Iowa/Kansas/Kentucky/Louisiana/Maine/Maryland /Massachusetts/Michigan/Minnesota/Mississippi/Missouri/Montana/Nebraska/Nevada/New Hampshire/New Jersey/New Mexico/New York/North Carolina/North Dakota/Ohio /Oklahoma/Oregon/Pennsylvania/Rhode Island/South Carolina/South Dakota /Tennessee/Texas/Utah/Vermont/Virginia/Washington/West Virginia/Wisconsin/Wyoming/Washington, D.C.

Let's see, Arkansas, Delaware, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, North Dakota and Wisconsin. Better begin travel plans to finish the country.

The Older Parent

I showed Dad my newish car yesterday. He looked around, got in, looked around some more. He asked, “Is this like the one your brother had?” Now this wouldn’t have been such an interesting question, if I had a brother. However, as far as I know, I’m an only child.

I asked him, “what brother?” and he said, “Fil.” Then I knew, he for a moment, thought I was my mother, and had asked about my Uncle Flavis, who indeed did have a green minivan, many years ago, before he died.

I just said, “I’m not Julia, but yes, this is like Uncle Fil’s old van.” It makes me sad that such a formerly sharp man is at this point.

Yielding to Temptation

Well, more like succumbing to it. That Honda Odyssey kept entering my thought process, and I decided it wouldn’t hurt to look at it, touch it, drive it, find something horribly wrong with it, and come home feeling good about repairing the Explorer. So I did. I emailed the dealer; they phoned me the next day (Monday of this week).

That afternoon, Emily and I took a little drive in our little rental car to this huge and grand Mercedes Benz dealer. Of course the sales people were truly nice; Emily had fallen asleep and they brought the car to me instead of having me walk over to it. The sales person then walked over to the rental car, got Emily’s car seat and installed it for me so we could go on our test drive.

As a side note, while I waited for this mini-van to be brought to the front door of the Mercedes dealer, I could not help but notice the beautiful convertible staring me in the face. Of course I fantasized about the convertible!

There were several things I did notice about the Honda immediately. It started when I turned the key! It kept running! It didn’t make any strange thumping, bumping, grinding, or even table saw noises! The gas gauge didn’t move the whole 15 minutes I drove it! Emily wasn’t able to comment; she slept through the whole test drive.

By the time I got back to the dealer, looked at all the cargo space (twice as much as Blanche, my Explorer), and little nice touches (I chide myself for even noticing this) such as cup holders in the back for the girls, I had decided that I liked it and would ask my very dear husband if he wanted a newish car. When I phoned him, I nearly fainted—I actually got light headed—when he said “yes, let’s get it.”

So, even though we (ok, I) decided “yes, I’ll buy it” in ½ hour of seeing it, 3 hours later, after financial papers were signed, I took the little rental car home. An hour after that, my sales guy, Najib, delivered it to me at my home!!

Scott likes it, I am very happy with it, and the girls LOVE it! The dog is not sure yet. So, here I am, mother of two, wife of one, a house, a dog and a minivan. How much more OC Hausfrau can I get?