A Moment of Bliss

I had a few moments of bliss today, actually--

While sitting on the sofa at the piano teacher's house, I listened to Oldest play her piano pieces and watched out the window as Youngest played in the front yard. I thought, "this is what life is supposed to be like--piano lessons, playing in the sunshine and appreciating your children as the blessings they are."

When we got home, they fought for about 35 minutes, making us seriously late for softball practice. And Husband wonders why I am so "uncaring" about these things. It just doesn't do anyone any good to get stressed about it. So, when we get to practice, I'll let the coach go on about how important it is to be on time, and say, "Yes, Coach, we'll do better next time."

Things I Want...

10 Things You Want, but Don't Need

1) A new kitchen
2) A large amount of discretionary income
3) An IPOD just the regular one, not the real expensive one
     
4) A swimming pool with coordinating landscaping
5) A small convertible with lots of power (Porsche?)
6) A vacation home in the mountains
7) Some kind of magic to make me thin
8) A once/week housekeeper
9) A bigger house with an ocean view
10) Breast augmentation (I don’t want them bigger, just to point in the right direction!)




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Ironic, Don't You Think?

Irony of Ironies—

The VA has approved my father for something called “Aid & Assistance.”  The only thing we await now is the assignment of a fiduciary.  The company acting as go-between told me an examiner would come to see me, I guess to see if I’m fit to be a fiduciary.
I hope so, as I’ve been acting as his fiduciary for nearly three years now.

However, the nursing facility where my father was transported last Friday requires Dad to apply for MediCal immediately upon entering the facility.

This is where it gets catchy and ironic:  The VA, when it approves Dad’s A&A, will pay the aid retroactively to the date we applied.  This date was October 1, 2005.  However, if MediCal sees this money in Dad’s account, they will make him “spend it down” until he has less than $2,000 of total assets.  They “graciously” allow him $35 per month for “incidentals.”

So…I have to time things just perfectly, so that if and when the VA sends the retroactive payment plus the A&A monthly payments, it won’t spoil Dad’s application for MediCal.

He just can’t win.

I visited him tonight.  I spent nearly an hour with him. Poor soul, he’s so ill.  His left leg only moves reactively to other muscle groups; it is not functional at all. It bends, and ends up in what we might feel odd positions.  His left arm is completely flaccid.  I picked it up and his hand flopped limply just like a stuffed bunny’s floppy ears.

He is so very sad. He is so very lonely.  Also frustrated, since he can’t make sense of where he is and why he is there.  This is probably where he’ll live for a long time. When we talked this evening, he asked me every few minutes either how I got there (the nursing center) or how and why he was there.  He just can’t wrap his mind around staying there, and when he does, he gets sad all over again.

I simply don’t know what to do.  He is so weak, can’t bear weight on his left side at all; it takes two to three people to get him from a bed into a wheel chair.  I had to give up his apartment today, since the medical team at the last hospital he visited said there was little or no hope of recovering in any significant way from his last stroke.

My heart, from my more youthful and idealistic days, tells me to take him into my home and let him spend his days with my family. My family and friends, as well as other advisors, from my current life, all tell me unanimously that it would wreck me, and be unfair to my husband and children.  I’m so torn.

I want him to know that we love him and care about him so much.  It breaks my heart to see this loving, vital man’s body and mine betray him like this. I think about him constantly.

Am I being selfish or loving to have him in a nursing center, where his meals and meds are controlled; there is a registered nurse to take care of his health needs, and then (not “so that”) my family gets a little more of my time?

Or, am I being loving or selfish to want him in my home, where he can at least watch our family dynamics, see the girls grow up a little more, watch them laugh and play, bringing him some little bit of joy in his last years?

Or, as I’m prone to think, am I just insane.

I don’t like being a grownup.

Friday Feast

Feast Eighty-Two

Appetizer Choose one: moving to another state, having triplets, or never being able to eat chocolate again.

     Never being able to eat chocolate again.  I would like moving to another state, and would love triplets—that is if I were 15 years younger!  Wait! Now that I think about it…triplets would be my choice.  Wait. This question confuses me. I’m getting a headache—going to sleep now….*yawn*

Soup Name a news story that truly shocked you.

     9/11

Salad What was your very first job?

     I did accounting and sales-clerking at a school supplies store.

Main Course If you had the chance to read the diary of someone you're really close to, would you? Why or why not?

     Nope. Not me!  I did that once and was very sorry that I learned what I did—it tainted my perception of that person…of course I was very young, and didn’t know about not judging people…but I still wouldn’t.  Even if a person is not judgmental, it will change the reader’s thoughts about the, um, “read-ee”— However, if that person asked me to read it, now that’s a different story.

Dessert What's something you're looking forward to?

     Our family vacation in Pennsylvania and Washington, DC, this summer, even if the weather is hot and muggy…it will be great fun to see my virtual sisters and their families all in one location!

To participate in the feast, click here.
 

Thursday Threesome

Visualize Whirled Peas
Onesome: Visualize-- Hmmm...How are you on maps and mapping? Are you one of those people who can translate the paper version to what you're seeing on the road? ...or do you rely on a 'trusy native guide' (or GPS unit) to get you around someplace you've never been?
I’m great at maps and mapping.  I’m fairly good at navigation, and like to get lost if I do, that adds to my adventures.
Twosome: Whirled-- about in your head: did you ever have a phrase or song lyric you "just got wrong"? You know, like that Hendix "Kiss this guy" malapropism...
YUP! Just recently I learned that Santana’s line for Evil Ways, lyrics “When I come home, baby, my house is dark and my pots are cold,” are not, “my house is dark and my thoughts are cold.” Works either way for me.
Threesome: Peas-- porridge hot? Even though we're looking to the end of Winter (at least here in the Northern Hemisphere), what has been your favorite hot meal this past few months?
Roast beast and pasta—together, separate, however. And French bread…warm, fresh from the bakery oven with butter.  Made me the girl I am today!

Poppy

Here’s the thing

Well, I’ve been told some things regarding my father’s health and care that have me in quite the tizzy.

All this week, we’ve (read: I’ve) been trying to get the hospital to keep Poppy for the weekend and release him on Monday, instead of this Friday (yes, tomorrow).

But no, Medicare will not pay for his care in a hospital (acute care) when he only needs custodial care (skilled nursing).  His skilled nursing benefits have got to their limit as far as Medicare payments go.  I’ve tried to see what other routes I can take, but we may have to apply to MediCal (MedicAid for some of you) for his board and care.

Now the piece of information that burns me (and the above doesn’t, really, it just annoys me), is this:  Poppy now needs extended physical therapy in order to keep his muscles from atrophying and to attempt to get some use back into his left arm and leg.  However, Medicare, after getting approved for MediCal, will only pay for a maximum of 3 days/week for physical therapy.  In order for Medicare benefits to kick in again, he has to stay out of a hospital or skilled nursing facility for sixty consecutive days.

At his age, and in his condition, this just won’t happen.  It makes me so very sad. My mother didn’t want this. She thought she left him enough to have some kind of comfortable living situation.  She did, but if we get MediCal for his room and board at the skilled nursing, not only will his Medicare benefits get reduced (from “part A” to “part B” ???), any of his income, less $35/month will be used as his portion of the room and board at the skilled nursing.  Plus, he needs to “spend down” any savings he has left, and can only have less than $2000 in total assets.

I’m so tired of this.

Please, please, if you are nearing 50 or 60, and in somewhat good health, please buy “long term health insurance.”  GE has a good policy. Not that I’m a GE sales person, by any means, but it seemed to be a great deal.  Yes, a year’s premium might be upwards from $3500 per year, but as I found out yesterday, it will still take 2 years at that rate to pay for 1 month’s rent at a skilled nursing facility.  

Tardy Friday Fiver

Um, I liked this when I saw it on another blog, so I'm going to answer, too.

1. Do you have good hand-eye coordination?
somewhat--I haven't cut off a finger or shot myself in the foot yet.

2. Have you ever held a gun?
yes

3. What do you think of toy guns?
Not in favor of them, but kids make guns out of bananas--go figure.

4. When is the last time you asked for forgiveness?
yesterday

5. Your favorite Aerosmith song:
Not a fan of Aerosmith, but oh dear, the first song that came to my mind was "Janie's Got a Gun"--you did this on purpose, didn't you.

1st Softball Game

She WON!!!

Sarah’s team, the Royal Pain, played their first softball game this afternoon, and they WON—3 - 2!!  

She’s never been in softball before, and it was a nerve-wracking, exciting game for the kids but I think, mostly the parents!

Fun, fun fun.

Johari Window

A wise woman I know in England has got herself a Johari Window. Since she has one, and I must keep up, I have one, too.

I invite you to comment on mine (here)

The one rule, according to my friend, is you must be honest, "for good or evil."

It will be fun! After you comment on mine, you can get your own!

C'mon, throw caution to the wind--do it!

Friday's Feast

Friday, February 17, 2006
Feast Eighty-One
AppetizerIf you were a color, which color would you be, and why?

I truly have to pick two:  purple, because it’s bold, royal, wild, exotic, things that I am not, and a soft sage green, because it’s calming, soothing, maybe even boring, which is closer to my actual personality.
SoupWhen was the last time you went to the doctor, and what was your reason for going?

I went to a cardiologist, to follow a heart condition I “inherited” last year.
SaladWhat do you collect?

Coffee mugs and dust bunniesMain CourseWhat were you like in high school? Name one thing you miss and one thing you don't miss about those days. (If you're still there, imagine how you'll remember it in the future.)

I was unsettled, not confident at all, negative and depressed.  I sure don’t miss that.
I do miss a couple of friends, but really, I’m glad it’s over.DessertPretend you're standing in front of your home, with your back towards your home. Describe the view - what can you see? Trees? Cars? A zoo? Wal-Mart?

The antennas on Mt. Wilson, the police officer’s house across the street, a road,  trees, a few cars, and sky, beautiful blue or deeply rich night black with stars.This Feast is a re-run from 7/9/2004. The chef is tired this week.

Thursday Threesome

Ah, the Olympics
::Going for the Gold::
Onesome: Going-- out on a limb: are you watching the Olympics? ...obsessed by them? ...or are they just one more reason to watch "Leave it to Beaver" reruns?
Have been watching, husband TIVO’s the events, last night accidentally used it to fall asleep. Love the downhill skiing, no matter who wins.  I find myself cheering for US, then Norway, then Italy, in that order.
Twosome: for the-- heck of it: what happened in your neck of the woods on Groundhog Day? Are you looking at six more weeks of Winter or is Spring poking its head around the corner?
Forget spring, we got summer for a week!  
We watched Groundhog’s Day (we keep watching until we get it right—yuck, yuck). Then after bragging to my Massachusetts friend about our wonderfully warm and beautiful weather for their visit next (this) weekend, finally in February this (next) weekend we get a prediction of winter.  
Threesome: Gold-- Golden dreams: did you ever aspire to any sports championships? How about academic ones? How did that work out for you?
I aspired to skiing and swimming. I started skiing too late in life and that aspiration expired quickly.  Swimming I started early, but family didn’t agree with my competitive dreams.  Ice skating attracted me, too, but back then I would have had to move to eastern and northern locales, and my myself, because my parents wanted to live in southern California.

Project Priorities

Stuck

I’m stuck between projects of the same high priority.  Well, that is what I planned to write. Then I got a phone call from a very dear friend of mine, and while we chatted, I got one of the projects done! Yippee!  To Done, To Do, and Discardian have all helped me in my quest to finish projects and de-clutter my home.

Plus the fact that another very dear friend and her family will be visiting next week and I really want my home to look relaxed and inviting, yet uncluttered.

One down, 85 to go! (well, for today, I have a goal of getting three major projects and two small ones complete). Tomorrow is another day.

Poppy Update

Poppy is better and worse all at the same time.

He’s getting great care, and the medical staff seems to sincerely care about him.

He was able to move his left leg when he went into the second hospital, but last night, I had to move it for him to straighten it.  

I feel so bad for him...for the past few days, he's been unable to digest any of the "food" he's been given.  He has no use of his left arm/hand, and few of us understand what he's trying to say.  Plus, I'm the only visitor he's had in a week or so.   That’s no fun at all.

If I were a Good Wife

Here's a question for you...out of my mind, not from a meme...

Has the thought ever occurred to you that "if I was a good (whatever), I'd (whatever)?"
I'll start it...
If I were a good wife, mother and daughter...
...I'd awaken at 5:30 am, make coffee for my husband and me, go pick oranges from our beautiful orange tree and make fresh orange juice, putting it in the refrigerator so it would be fresh and cold; ...then I'd make lunches for the oldest daughter and my husband, with sweet little "I love you" notes in each lunch;
...I'd set up to make breakfast--either French toast or pancakes and sausage, or chorizo and eggs, complete with freshly made tortillas (I do know how to make them, after all);
...I'd make sure the kitchen was clean and the house was straightened, and then read quietly until the husband awakened (at 6:30).
I'd have a nice quiet time with him, while we read the paper and we drink our coffee;  of course I'd get up from the paper and coffee to cook breakfast at 7:am and when he finished breakfast, and went to get ready for work, I'd wake the girls to get them ready for school.While the girls get ready for school, I'd make their breakfast and get the lunches to put them in either husband's car, or somewhere I'd be sure he'd see it, and into the backpacks so that no one would forget them.  I'd also at that time make sure that all the homework was done and in the folders.At 7:45, while the girls eat breakfast (after getting dressed in the perfectly coordinated outfits I had ironed and set out), I'd shower and get myself dressed.
At 8:00, Husband leaves for work, happily full with the homemade nutritious breakfast and freshly squeezed oj, while I do finishing touches on the girls' hair and take them to school.
At 9:15, after the girls were at school, I'd then, every day, dust, vacuum, organize and declutter, after which I would visit my father, getting whatever sundry items he might need, or special little items, like freshly squeezed carrot juice, or a Gatorade.
I'd pick up youngest daughter from her preschool, we'd play in the park for an hour together, and then go home for some lunch.  The time between lunch and getting older daughter from school would be spent preparing for dinner, sewing, or playing together, and making sure the playroom and bedrooms are all clean and tidy. (that's from 1:00 until 3:00).
After getting oldest daughter from school, it would be stressless trips to after school activities.
Once returning home, oldest would do homework and practice piano as I make dinner, and youngest would "help" me make dinner--setting the perfectly coordinated dinner table, etc.The girls would eat, then bathe and get into their pajamas, and have dessert when Daddy comes home.  Dinner would be ready at exactly five minutes after Daddy gets home, they would all talk and joke at dinner/dessert.  Daddy would have an hour to play with the girls, hear about the day, and then the girls would go to bed--of course I, the good mom would tuck them in to their freshly clean sheets and read two stories each to them, kissing them good night and leaving a night light on for them.  

Then, I’d clean the kitchen, bring a drink to Husband, and walk the dog for ½ hour.

When the happy dog and I return, I’d select clothes for the girls for the next day, write in my journal, decide what to make for lunches, breakfast and dinner, take all the trash out, put away the clean dishes.

HAH.

Friday's Feast

Friday, February 10, 2006
Feast Eighty
AppetizerWhat was a class or course you took while in school that you realize now was a total waste of time?
     Can’t think of one class that was a total waste of time
SoupWho is the tallest person you know?
     Now, my husband--  in a past life one guy was taller than he, Mike MarshallSaladWhat's your favorite midnight snack?
     Cookie dough ice cream with chocolate cakeMain CourseHave you ever found money somewhere? If so, where did you find it, and how much was it?
     YES!  I have found from the “lucky pennies” on up to a $20 bill—that was a find!
DessertWhere would you like to retire?

In Northern New Mexico—Angel Fire, to be exact, in the Sangre de Christo Mountains

Note to Parents Around the World

A child's music, on a flute, clarinet, kazuu, drums, sounds so very beautiful, especially from a far away room.

More Poppy News (already)

Poppy has overtaken my life…

DOD, aka Poppy, aka Dad, has as you might have read before, some healthcare issues.  We were so glad he got transferred from the hospital to the skilled-nursing/rehabilitation center last week, and thought (as we still do) things would be looking up for him.

Health-wise, of course that is still true.

However, I am fairly disappointed/frustrated/dismayed/et al, at both the hospital where he stayed for a week, and the skilled nursing center.

I promise this is the short side of the story—

After hearing my wrath at learning that POPPY stayed in the hospital three days before attempting to administer physical therapy (previous post) or try to help him regain strength on his left side, the medical staff began in earnest to help him.  

When he got transferred to the Rehab hospital, it was (again) on a Friday.  There were two pieces of information I thought I knew, and asked about, but was told not to worry.  As somebody else has inferred, when an organization tells you “not to worry,” it’s definitely time to worry.

I knew that,
A) Poppy’s Medicare benefits for skilled nursing facilities would end soon, if they haven’t ended already.  He had not spent 60 days out of a hospital in the last year. This is a rule of Medicare’s—if a person goes to skilled nursing and has not been out of a hospital for sixty consecutive days, Medicare does not pay skilled nursing fees; and

B) three days without physical therapy is detrimental to a stroke patient, as it gives time for the body to get used to its new condition, and then doesn’t want to work to regain its original strength.

Poppy was transferred on a Friday.  I mentioned to the doctor that Saturday and Sunday would be days without physical therapy—wouldn’t that be kind of bad for Dad?  Doc said, “I will make sure the nurses work with his arm to keep it moving.”  Yeah, right, as if that’s going to happen.

Regarding point B first:  When I visited him again on Monday morning (yesterday), I noticed that his left arm already started turning inward—his fingers curled in, his wrist bent, you’ve seen it before.  I worked his arm in what small ways I knew how, and internally got upset again at the doctor for not insisting that some PT got done over the weekend.  The longer a patient waits for PT, the less chance of regaining strength exists.  

Now we address point A:  The social worker for the skilled nursing facility found me and let me know that my father “came in” with only three days of  Medicare coverage (Poppy had been there, you guessed it, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and this was now Monday).
As I’m told this, I begin to internally fume again.  What are my options?  I could pay $200/day for him to stay at the skilled nursing place. That is not reasonable, on an artist’s salary, plus a one income family.

I could let him go home as he is, hoping that home care PT is enough…oh but wait, he has to be able to put weight on his left leg. Without use of his left arm to lean on something, that’s not going to happen.  So that option won’t work yet.  

I phone the doctor, letting him know the situation, asking him to reconsider sending him to the better, bigger hospital that has in-patient, acute physical therapy available.  

Thankfully, in the afternoon, I got a call from the good-hearted doctor, saying he got Poppy into St. Mary’s Hospital just a little further away, but with a great reputation.  He will get transferred “tomorrow” before noon.  I was so relieved I nearly fainted (which would not have been good at all since I was driving at the time).

However, now, I’ll be faced with certain other decisions, which in time, I’m sure I’ll be able to make.  Do I apply him now for MediCAL, which takes 3-6 months to get the approval or denial?  Do I just wait and see what happens in the next month or so?  Do I contact the VA to find out of POPPY qualifies for a bed there?  I’ll call them just in case he might, but he was a Merchant Marine, and there is some debate whether a WWII Merchant Marine qualifies for full Vet’s bennies. That’s going to be fun. Do I need to change his residence from the Assisted Living location to a “6-bed” or board and care facility?  

I’ve been on the phone and the pc all morning and now will attempt to get over to the new hospital to be sure Poppy will be comfortable and not too confused over his new surroundings.  Poor thing, he’s been bounced back and forth so much for so long, it’s no wonder he gets confused.

Please, with me, hope that things will work out for the better, no matter what.

More about Poppy

I've been informed that Poppy was transferred from hospital to skilled nursing for basic physical therapy. If/when he gets somewhat stronger, then he'll be transferred to another, larger hospital that has inpatient acute physical, speech, and occupational therapy.

It feels that it will be a long long road for him, but when I visited him today, he managed to say he's determined to get his strength back.

He can move his left leg, with effort, but still cannot move his left arm at all.

Other than that, Happy Friday!

Friday's Feast

AppetizerOn a scale of 1 to 10 (10=highest), how sociable are you?
5

SoupName 3 DVDs you currently own.
1) Doctor Zhivago, 2) Princess Bride, and 3) Fifth Element

SaladIf you were to win a superlative award now (such as most talented, class clown, most likely to succeed), what would it be?

Most unlikely preschool support club president

Main CourseWhat is your favorite radio station?

XM Radio Watercolors

DessertComplete this sentence: I believe there has to be more good than bad in the world because we haven’t obliterated ourselves yet and have had many chances to do just that.